Best Friends Forever?

Female friendships create bonds so deep, it was almost impossible to imagine life without them. And then the pandemic happened. Here, we discuss the impact the last 12 months have had on these relationships and seek expert advice on making meaningful connections once more. 

When we talk about relationships, specifically the breaking down of relationships, our minds automatically assume they're of a romantic ilk—as if they're the only connection losses to grieve over. But what of friendships? It's natural for friendships to form and fizzle out throughout our lifetime, but it doesn't make the loss of them any less painful or affecting. Why, then, are they so under-discussed? 

    As we write this, we struggle to think of any films that have been made or books that have been written based on the latter but can easily list off endless titles which use divorces and break-ups as their central narratives. Perhaps it's because we don't truly realise the significance of a friendship until it's gone—especially if its destruction wasn't on your terms. Lockdown has made countless facets of our lives difficult to manage, and, for many of us, our friendships have become an unexpected casualty of the pandemic. But not all hope is lost—what is broken can nearly always be rebuilt (proving you want it to be), but it takes work. We spoke to Edinburgh-based therapist, Sarah Wheatley of Birth and Beyond, about the complexities of female friendships and how to rekindle the connections worth saving. 

    'There are so many different kinds of female relationships, and I'm not even going to try to touch on all of them here, but what I'm talking about is the ones that really matter—the ones you would feel heartbroken about not being there,' outlines Wheatley. 'Lockdown has affected all our relationships, and it's given us a lot of time to reflect and learn on our relationships since we've had this enforced separation.'    

    First and foremost, it's important to understand that the situation we've all found ourselves in over the last year is unprecedented, and although we might feel guilty about not being as present with our friends, that perhaps being physically present in our relationships plays a more integral part in them than we previously thought. 

    'All of us have learnt more about how embodied we are in relationships; how much our bodies matter,' affirms Wheatley. 'Sometimes, it's not just about having a conversation but how we have that conversation. For example, it's often easier to have a conversation about difficult things when we're walking alongside each other or doing something enjoyable together, rather than having an intense conversation online. Psychiatrist and paediatrician Donald Winnicott talked about using the "third object" in relationships—that having a shared focus can be really helpful to build connection. We had to work hard to figure out ways of bringing that kind of dynamic into our relationships in different, meaningful ways before Covid-19. And we've recognised how we sometimes need variety in that, too—that there are only so many online quizzes most of us can take.' 

    Hood reader *Janine felt like every Zoom call she had with her friends always became heavy, and while she was grateful for this outlet, she wanted the fun element of her friendships to return, too. So she set up a Covid-19-free WhatsApp group, where she and her pals would carve out time to watch a TV show as it happened, not on catch-up, and make live commentaries. 'It quickly became our lockdown salvation,' she says. 'We'd pour a glass of wine and, for an hour, be silly with one another. It might seem small, but, as they say, it's the littlest things that can make all the difference.'

    Much like any other relationship, our friendships need nurturement and goals to work towards. A goal needn't be something lofty, like climbing Ben Nevis together. It can be as simple as making an effort to meet for lunch once a month. But remove the opportunity to do so, and the connection can quickly suffer. 'We've also realised how much we need things to look forward to—that it can be hard to connect with our friends when we feel like we don't have anything to say or feel stuck.    

    'Another thing that seems to have come up is how used we get to friendships "working" a certain way, and so we don't maybe know what to do if things change,' explains Wheatley. 'When people have babies, for example, and their friends don't have children, those friendships can struggle unless they all manage to find new ways of adapting to this change. In the instance of female friendships, if you tend to relate in a particular way (e.g. encouraging each other to get fitter), but that is not easily available to you any more, the friendship will need to develop other aspects that keep you connected—otherwise, it might flounder. You'll need to be adaptable.'    

    Of course, not all friendships are necessarily fulfilling friendships. At best, some might be built on lives previously lived that no longer connect you. At worst, they can be toxic. In some instances, lockdown might even afford you a chance to leave them. 'Sometimes, it is just natural for relationships to wane as we grow and move on. Not all friendships are made to last. It can be tough to bear when a female friendship doesn't survive, as women are often taught from an early age how important relationships are and that if it gets broken, that is a sign of failure rather than circumstance. Maintaining relationships can often be seen as women's work, so consciously letting a friendship go can touch on our sense of identity as a female person. This guilt can keep us trying to keep working on friendships that maybe don't work any more. You need to decide whether this is a friendship worth fighting for or, for your wellbeing, if it's better left in the past.' 

    The stress of the last year may also mean that you now see some of your friends in a different light, though, as Wheatley advises, not everything is always as it seems. 'We can feel disappointed in friendships where people just weren't there for us in the way we expected. Lockdown has tested us in ways that most of us have probably never been tested before. We have all been affected by different kinds of anxiety, which makes people behave in different ways how you'd normally expect them to. It can be natural to feel really let down, hurt, and angry when people don't behave the way we assume they would, and since none of us has ever been in this situation before, we're all struggling in ways we didn't expect. The key is to have open and honest discussions with one another to understand what you're individually going though—it does no one any good to assume.'

    However, having these discussions isn't exactly easy when you're likely conducting them over a glitchy Zoom call. If you can, meet in person, but only if the meeting complies with the current restrictions. Hood reader Kate* spoke to us about how she felt let-down by a friend in the midst of the latest lockdown, but how her perception changed when the two spoke honestly about their situations.

    'I have children, my friend does not, and while she's always been great with them in person, she soon began forgetting about them. Christmas went by without so much as a card, and I soon felt she just wasn't interested in their lives or my struggles to homeschool them while working a full-time job. I started to get really angry with her for not checking in or responding to my messages until one day, I decided to call her out on it. I can't say what had happened to her, but she was going through things that made my own problems seem trivial in the long run, and I had no idea. We're all going through difficult things, but unless you ask, you might never know.' 

    Friendships are sacred and, if support, understanding, and love are reciprocal, we firmly believe that any relationship can be mended. Over the page, Sarah Wheatley shares her advice for creating meaningful, enjoyable, and worthwhile friendships once more.