'Is there any way of getting the romance back?' Hood's relationship guru shares her wisdom
ASK FLIC: 'Everyone has been going on about how much sex they’ve been having in lockdown, but for me it’s been the total opposite. Kids around and all semblance of routine out of the window is a total turn off and hearing my husband “at work” makes me see him in a completely different light—and it’s not alluring. Is there any way of getting the romance back?’
Image courtesy of Becca Tapert via Unsplash
Let’s start with the obvious. Your friends are probably lying. If they’re not, they either haven’t got kids, lack a Netflix subscription, and/or are on furlough. And if they have got kids, and they are telling the truth (unlikely), I guarantee their relationship is brand new and they’re still at the nauseating pawing-each-other stage. This is the one shortly before the ‘actually, he just said something quite irritating, and I don’t like those hardcore politics he’s suddenly revealing, either’ stage. Rest assured, if everyone you know really is having loads of sex in lockdown, it’s because they’re desperately trying to compensate for some other painful lack in their lives, and as soon as things are back to normal, they’ll be rolling over with the audiobook of Girl, Woman, Other and an eye-mask.
Basically, you are the normal one here. However, it’s clear you feel you’re missing out, so congratulate yourself on still caring about sex at all – where there’s life, there’s hope – and consider the fact that proximity makes the lust grow weaker. The Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, caused a stir of realisation a few years ago when she pointed out that desire is largely dependent on mystery. As soon as you’ve watched your partner clip his toe nails onto the coffee table a few times, or had a shouted conversation about the online shop while you’re on the loo, that wondrous sense of other- ness tends to fade a bit. Throw in children trailing round the house after you bleating ‘Why is the sky blue? How did I get born? What happens if I mix up toothpaste and ketchup? Why can’t I, though?’ for the entire time they’re awake, plus the ongoing fear, irritability, and boredom of a family lockdown, plus trying to do any work of any kind, ever, and frankly, if you were having lots of sex, I’d be nearby giving an astonished account to camera, like David Attenborough.
Your basic problem, then, is not that you hate your partner, it’s that your situation is the opposite of sexy. For many women, feeling desire starts with feeling desirable. That’s why we may feel less in the mood after eating three white Magnums and a Tunnocks teacake. It’s why nice underwear, flattering lighting, and evident appreciation from a partner are all useful milestones on the path to Good Marital Sex. By contrast, feeling knackered, annoyed, and worried whilst wearing fleecy pyjamas is less likely to kick off any excitement.
If at all possible, and depending on lockdown and babysitting, your best bet is to go to a hotel. Being away from domestic clutter, and able to pretend you’re once again young and free is an excellent aphrodisiac, particularly when wine is involved. If that’s not an option (and let’s face it, most of us can barely afford the wine right now, let alone the hotel) some ingenuity is required—and so is some planning.
Family life is the enemy of spontaneity (but the friend of chaos), so thinking you’ll just get it on when the mood takes you is like thinking you’ll just do a bit of abseiling when you happen to be on the roof of a skyscraper. It’s not going to happen without a plan. Pick an evening, declutter the bedroom, wash the sheets, and make the suggestion. Hopefully, there will be an anticipatory build- up, rather than a vague feeling that you’ve got a dull but necessary appointment looming.
Don’t expect it to be the best sex ever. Even if it’s just kissing, it’s better than being slumped in front of another detective series. Take your time, see what happens. As for the kids, they will be asleep. The trick is for you to stay awake slightly longer.
In short, yes, you can get the romance back. You just have to remember who you both are, once all the mess is cleared away.
If you have a problem, email: hello@hoodmagazine.co.uk. We regret we can’t answer each one personally.
Flic Everett is a journalist and author. She was an agony aunt for national magazines and newspapers for over 15 years, hosted radio shows solving listeners’ emotional troubles, and has written several self-help books. She has experienced enough of life to know what works, and is currently living happily in the West Highlands with her boyfriend, two dogs and one cat. Now, she joins Hood as our regular relationship columnist.