Spare a thought for Mother Christmas: The responsibility divide affecting women across Scotland

Why should women have to take on the burden of COVID, their career, and Christmas all at once? Author Gill Whitty-Collins calls time on the responsibility divide.

If only Christmas were the product it’s advertised to be; a time to relax by the fire with a glass of something and a mince pie. For most women, the reality is that it’s a time for shopping, cooking, wrapping, hosting, and roasting. A physically and emotionally exhausting end to any year, but what happens when it comes on top of the most physically and emotionally exhausting year most of us have ever seen?

Once upon a time, before COVID (BC), women were already doing 40% more housework and childcare than their male counterparts, according to the Office for National Statistics. This unpaid work has been called the ‘second shift’ that women do on top of their paid job. What’s more, the data shows that, through the pandemic, women have taken on 80% more of it. Far from inciting men to see the burden their wives and partners are carrying and be stirred to help, working from home has simply created even more work for women to do: more meals and more clearing up—not to mention the homeschooling. Another survey found that one-quarter of women are experiencing severe anxiety (compared with 11% of men) and that 50% have sleep issues. We may ask ourselves how they have the time to get any sleep at all.

Hardly surprising then that 1 in 4 women are seriously considering downshifting their career or giving up on it altogether, with 3 in 4 citing burnout as the reason, according to a LeanIn & McKinsey survey. How is a woman supposed to do all of this unpaid work and her paid work on top, in the same quality way that the unencumbered men she is competing with can? There are, after all, only 24 hours in a day for everyone, whatever your gender—one of the few areas where we do have equality. While women are reporting a severe reduction in their work productivity since the pandemic, men are reporting an increase.

“You need to stick the notion that it’s your responsibility to be the ‘perfect’ wife and mother right where it belongs—in the 1950s bin”

So if COVID plus career is more than many women can handle, what happens when we add the ‘third shift’ of Christmas into the equation? Collapse, I fear. It is the most stressful time of the year for most women, with 8 out of 10 doing ‘”the lioness” share of work over Christmas’, says TV presenter Andrea Catherwood. Even women with big careers find themselves turning into 1950s housewife stereotypes as December 25th approaches; somehow compelled to put on the apron and start baking and to spend every spare moment seeking out the perfect gift for every family member—yes, even the ones they can’t bear. Many women find themselves close to breaking point by New Year’s Day, so I fear that after 2020 they won’t have the physical and emotional capacity for taking on the burden of creating a picture perfect Christmas on top of everything else.

What fascinates me is, why? Why do women do this? Why do we feel we need to take responsibility for all of this unpaid work for the family when, in many cases, we are not being asked or expected to? I haven’t met a woman who is immune to this feeling, myself included. I’m not famous for my love of or talent for cooking. Still, I remember one evening a few months ago – after a full day of working on book editing, launch meetings, marketing planning, and article writing – finding myself in the kitchen preparing dinner while the two men in the house were enjoying a G&T on the terrace. Neither expected me to provide dinner, nor had I requested help and been rejected, and yet there I was. As I reflected on this, I realised that at some deep, basic (and somewhat embarrassing, for a gender equality champion) level, I felt that it was my role to put a delicious meal on the table for the people I love. That, if I didn’t, I would feel guilty and somewhat of a failure as a woman, no matter how many other things I do from a career and paid work point of view. And when I have made this confession to my female friends, they have unanimously told me they feel the same.

Well, my dears, this doesn’t work, and it needs to change. There may have been a time when women didn’t have careers and jobs, and their role was to be COO of the home and family. For some, this is still the case, and it’s certainly not easy work by any means. But, for most, it is not, and women cannot and shouldn’t be expected (by others or by themselves) to carry the burden of the ‘second and third shift’ alone. It’s time to let go and burn our Mother Christmas suits, and time for the men in our lives to step up and play Father Christmas—and that doesn’t just mean drinking the sherry the kids leave out on December 24th, in case I need to clarify. Dear men, we love you, but, we need to do your share of all the work that goes in, including the things you may not usually think about. Talk to us; we’ll enlighten you. Oh, and this is not just for Christmas Day, by the way; let’s make it a New Year’s Resolution for every day.

A final word to all the women out there: you need to stick the notion that it’s your responsibility to be the ‘perfect’ wife and mother right where it belongs—in the 1950s bin. Have a heartfelt and honest discussion with your partner about sharing the burden of the unpaid work, before it pushes you to give up on your career, or even pushes you over the edge. You need to delegate and, importantly, remember that when you delegate something that means you accept that it will not be done in precisely the same way that you would do it (you know what I’m talking about).

Above all, train your kids. Train your boys to help with the meals and don’t teach your girls that it’s their role alone to do it. Children are born believing the world is equal, if we do our parenting job right, we can keep them that way.

Here’s to a Happy Christmas for every woman.

Gill Whitty-Collins is the author of Why Men Win at Work, published by Luath Press, and a keynote speaker, board member, consultant, and coach.