Breaking Up With Monogamy

Hood’s Scot in New York, Ruth Walker, asks if one love is no longer enough

Back in the Before Times, when a strange new plague was sweeping the planet and, almost overnight, hugs were replaced with clumsy elbow bumps, New York’s health advisory put out a comprehensive guide to safe sex during COVID-19. The conclusion: your safest sexual partner is yourself.

It’s possible that many of us have taken that advice literally. Because, if you believe what you read, the western world is in the throes of a divorce boom, thanks to a toxic combination of financial stress, lax hygiene, home schooling, wall-to-wall sweatpants, and couples generally discovering that too much of a good thing really is… well… too much.

Figures quoted in the press include the Co-Op Legal Services reporting a 42% increase in divorce enquiries. Another law firm beat that, with a 122% increase. Poundland leapt into action, launching its first range of divorce party products (straws, balloons, banners etc) to help the newly single celebrate their freedom.

But, while enquiries aren’t the same as actual divorces, and more recent reports indicate that the rate is slowing again, anecdotally, we all know at least one couple who won’t be sending out joint Christmas cards this year.

Alison and Andrew are splitting up after three children, several affairs, and 30 years of marriage. He says he was blindsided when she asked for a divorce, but she says their differences had been bubbling for a long time – possibly years.

Jamal and Emma bought a flat together at the beginning of 2020, after five years of dating. Emma had traveled to Lagos to meet his family, and they’d started to discuss the possibility of marriage. But in September, they made the joint decision to separate.

Devin and Shaun surprised friends in November when they announced their three-year relationship was over. Everyone thought they were so good together. What went wrong?

None of these couples blames the pandemic for the break-up. But is it possible that the reality of surviving a global crisis put their relationships into sharp focus, revealing the cracks and compromises that otherwise might have been so easily ignored or glossed over?

‘We know that disasters and crises often function like relationship accelerators,’ sex therapist, author, and podcaster Esther Perel has said.

The same thing happened after the American Civil War, the Second World War, and Hurricane Hugo.

‘A disaster heightens our sense of mortality, of precariousness, of “life is short”,’ she explained. ‘And when life is short, you may say suddenly, “Let’s move in together, let’s have a child, let’s get married.” Like, “What am I waiting for?”’ But you might also say: “Life is short, I’m not doing this for another 20 years.”’

Meanwhile, as their parents are divorcing, Gen Z and their predecessor, the Millennial, are re-examining what a loving relationship even looks like. Can one human really fulfill all our needs and desires? Can we expect our best friend to also be financially, physically, and emotionally supportive, a fabulous parent, wise confidante, and a sexually compatible, creative genius between the sheets? AND give us the space to grow and evolve as an individual? That’s a lot of pressure, but some say it doesn’t have to be that way.

Mia is in a loving, non-monogamous relationship with her boyfriend Darren. They are 100% committed to each other but both date other people, with full consent from their prime partner. Jai and Diana have an open marriage. Their one rule for extra-marital encounters? Don’t fall in love.

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has existed since the beginning of time. Anthropologists believe some ancient tribes shared sex as commonly as food – even between those of the same gender. And the paternity of children wasn’t an issue because no one had any property to inherit; rather, children were raised by the whole tribe.

But, as a lifestyle choice, it has been gaining mainstream acceptance more recently. In 2019 it was described as ‘the biggest sexual revolution since the 1960s’. In March 2020, futurists were already predicting a surge in its post-pandemic popularity. And earlier this year, nearly five million people watched an edition of Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk in which Willow Smith discussed her polyamorous lifestyle.

What we’re witnessing here, then, is a relationship revolution, as couples rewrite the rules on what they want from a partner or partners.